Enough is enough! How to tame your anger monster.

We all get angry at times, and anger can even be a helpful signal to yourself that something needs to change. However, sometimes anger gets out of control and can harm you and the people you love, or get you in trouble. Here are some tips for managing anger and resolving conflicts proactively, rather than reactively:

1)      RECOGNIZE THE WARNING SIGNS: Make a list of 5-10 feelings you get in your body when you are starting to get angry (i.e. breathing faster, tension in your shoulders and neck, clenched fists, feeling hot or flushed, heart beating faster, heart pounding, jaw clenching, etc). If you can recognize these signs when they start to happen, it can help you stay mindful and stop yourself from becoming overwhelmed by anger. Read the list every day to remind you what to look for.

2)      TAKE A TIME OUT: In a calm moment (not in the moment when you are angry), ask friends and family to be prepared to allow you to take a time out when you get angry, without interfering. When you start to feel yourself getting angry, get yourself out of the situation. Go into a different room and lock the door, or go for a walk. This will allow you to get away from the people and situations that are triggering your anger. During the time out, avoid thinking about the conflict, coming up with retorts, etc. Instead, think about the issues underlying your anger. Try to switch the focus from the other person’s actions to yourself and your feelings. For instance, if you’re angry because a family member never cleans up after themselves, the underlying issue is probably that you feel you are doing more cleaning than is fair, and you are feeling taken for granted. If you can’t think about these issues without getting angrier, you can instead do a meditation where you focus on your breath and imagine breathing in calm, pink, sweet air and exhaling angry black mist. Keep repeating this with each breath until you feel calm enough to think clearly.

3)      MAKE A PLAN: Think through how you want to address the problem. Come up with what you want to say, and make sure it’s respectful and about the problem and your feelings about it, not the other person. Think about what is important to you in this situation. How is that not being honored? Is this really what the other person intends, or could you be reading more into it than is really there?

4)      ADDRESS THE PROBLEM: When you have calmed down and feel capable of talking calmly, ask the other person if it’s a good time to talk. If they say no, ask when you can make time in the future for a discussion. When you start the conversation, do the following:

• Use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements. For instance, “I feel that I am doing an unfair proportion of the housework” not “You are a slob and never clean up after yourself!”.

• Tell the person how the situation makes you feel, ie: “When I get home every day from a long day at work and find the house is a mess, and instead of relaxing I have to clean, I feel taken for granted and disrespected.”

• Then tell them what you want, and ask for their help to get this done, ie: “I want to split the housework more fairly. Can we make a plan for how to do this?”  

• Listen to the other person’s response without interrupting. Try to see their perspective and don’t criticize, exaggerate, minimize, or try to convince them to see things your way. Avoid “always” and “never” statements. Don’t shut down and stonewall them, don’t try to turn things they say around on them, and don’t bring up unrelated issues from the past. Focus on working together to find a solution to this particular problem, not proving that you are “right”.

• A good strategy to let the other person know you are listening (and to make sure that you actually are listening!) is to paraphrase things they say and let them know that you can understand their thinking and feelings, and then make a suggestion for a possible solution. For instance: They say, “When you get home from a long day at work, I have just spent a long day taking care of the kids, making food, and doing laundry, and a million other little tasks and I’m exhausted. I feel like you don’t even notice the things that I did do, and you get upset that there are toys lying around and dishes in the sink. I really just want to spend time with you and not clean.”  You say, “So what you’re saying is that you have been doing a lot of work while I am out of the house, and you feel I don’t notice the work you do. You want to spend time with me at the end of the day instead of cleaning, and instead I just focus on the things that didn’t get done. Did I understand that right? That must feel hurtful and disrespectful. I apologize, I don’t want to make you feel like that. Do you think we could make a cleaning calendar and split up the tasks so we are both doing our fair share? Could we make the time after the kids go to bed a “no housework zone” and just spend time together?” You paraphrased their words, let them know that you listened and could understand how they feel, apologized, and offered possible solutions.

• Don’t try to force an agreement. If you can’t come to a consensus about what to do, agree to table the discussion and return to it another time.

5)      GET HELP: If your anger is really out of control and you have threatened someone or hurt someone physically, or if someone is hurting you, please find a therapist or counselor. Also, sometimes excessive anger can be a symptom of a psychiatric problem, and psychiatric medication is needed. We can help! Call 303-736-9697 or go to https://owlandeaglehealth.com/contact and fill out the form to make an appointment.